All Around the Interwebs 08-27-18

Putin's Ill-Advised Trip to Salisbury

DOES PUTIN PLAN TO POISON THE ENTIRE WORLD WITH MAGIC MUSHROOMS!?

I dunno.  Maybe.  Prolly not, but since you're here:

A lot of things happen everyday but, were it not for the Internet, they wouldn't.  Here are some of the things that happened everyday in the week of August 21^st - 27^th, 2018:

"Captain Kangaroo Court" John Bolton continuously threatened everyone outside of ISrael and the Ukraine on his world tour to remind everyone that he thinks he is POTUS -- and might as well be.  While that ridiculous mustache may make him look like a gay walrus, Anonymous Sources assure us that John Bolton is not a walrus.  Neither Bolton nor his mustache could be reached for comment, but Anonymous Sources -- totally different, and totally verifiable (even though we're not at Liberty to disclose, or verify, them) -- say that, although they are traveling together, Bolton and his mustache are staying in separate rooms.

Microsoft falsely alleged that they had discovered traces of Russian interference in the Mid-Term Elections -- but never fear, because they have a new product which can solve it!  Funny how that works, huh?  We can conclusively prove that, not only did Microsoft not find Russian interference, but that Microsoft itself may have used Kaspersky AV, unheard voice commands, and other methods to infiltrate and illegally access not only personal home computers, but Apple products, Android devices, and Amazon Alexa devices.

Reports say these totally unrelated hacks were carried-out by "researchers" just (Feloniously) "researching" a product, without ever mentioning Microsoft (or any other agency) by name.  I don't know what illegally accessing personal home products with zero ties to government institutions or elections has to do with Election Tampering, but I'm sure whoever it is or may be needs my credit score for "National Security reasons."

Faceplantbook lied through its front hole when it claimed it had discovered and removed over 650 political pages with links to Iran and -- wait for it -- RUSSIA that sought to influence the US Mid-Term Elections.  Little Jack Dorsey was all like, "Same!"  In less than one day, though, it was determined that the social networks had been "tipped-off" to said pages by FireEye, a CIA-backed terrorist cell "security firm" (wink) composed entirely of Heroic Freedom Fighters.

Howard Dean Sterling, an ISraeli "dual-citizen" (wink) and American lawyer, was determined to be the owner of hate site, Canary Mission.  Canary Mission is known for Feloniously "doxxing" American and Palestinian BDS supporters, mostly from American colleges.  The US government worked hand-in-hand with Israel Secret Intelligence Services to target those Sterling and the Israeli Settlement identified.  Until now, the identity of the Canary Mission hate site's webmaster had remained Anonymous (wink).

Florida officials released surveillance footage they claim is from the Parkland, FL school shooting.  It provides literally nothing new, but they say it shows that Broward County police did nothing wrong in "Standing Down" while the alleged shooter -- who stood to inherit $800,000 (they may have forgotten to mention that, at all, in the hundreds of thousands of "news reports" regarding this incident) -- ran around, doing His Thing... of which there is still no video.  

We should probably take their Word for it.  IN GOD WE TRUST -- right, you guys?  We're not even getting into anything else that allegedly happened in Florida this week -- we just can't.  We can't even.

Procter & Gamble applied for trademarks to the Internet acronyms, "LOL," "NBD," "FML," and "WTF" for use on some of its products.  What these products are, and how the terms would be used, has not been disclosed.

Asia Argento claims her accuser, Jimmy Bennett, is a "dangerous" person who extorted over $375,000 -- not from her, but from her late boyfriend, Anthony Bourdain.  Jimmy-Boy claims he filed no charges because he "worked it out" privately.  LA County Sheriffs said they were trying to contact Bennett, but Bennett spoke to The Media before LAPD could figure out how to work a phone, telling the Press that he was "ashamed and afraid" to discuss it publicly until after he stopped receiving payments.  Because what 17-year-old boy wouldn't be ashamed to admit he fucked a world-famous Hollywood actress?  

He probably should have spoken to a lawyer first though, because it sounds to me like he confessed to Extortion.

Julian Assange's mother stirred controversy when she mentioned the DNC leak on Twitter, leading some to wonder if she was referring to Seth Rich.  She, or someone on her account, later said that she did not necessarily mean to insinuate anything about the murdered Bernie Sanders supporter, and one-time DNC insider, but The Media went ahead and covered the whole thing up, just in case.

Assange remains cloistered in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London to avoid assassination by US operatives "bad actors."

Someone named Molly McKew, reportedly a lobbyist who works for The Podesta Group (or once did), confirmed our report on QAnon.  Because we didn't know -- you guys, we did not know!  We just shit-post for attention.

Verizon throttled Santa Clara Fire Department's bandwidth while they fought the California Wildfires, trying to force them into purchasing a more expensive data plan.  Verizon denied the claims with the now-standard, Scripted TeleComm Response, "Oops!"  But the "tinfoil hat black helicopter conspiracy theorists" over to the SCFD think they just might be lying.

Oh, I was remiss last week in failing to mention Teh Big OverDose: Allegedly -- and that's a key word, here -- some 40 park-people mass-OD'ed on synthetic marijuana (NPR claimed over 70!).  If you're anything like me, I know what you're thinking: ROAD TRIP!  If you're anything like me, and I think we have established that you are, you might also be wondering why at least 35 of those people didn't stop smoking shit after the first five or so keeled-over... or why 40-70 people were smoking Fake Dope in the same park, at the same time, in the first place... in a state with legalized medical marijuana.

Don't let these fake "Opioid Crises" fool you -- it's a shell game: They're just moving the lobbying money away from Big Pharma to Big Law, which will re-invest it in Wall Street (Big Banks)... just kidding, they'll hide it in tax shelters and re-invest that in Wall Street.  None of these "individuals" (Legally) pay taxes, anyway -- at least not in America.  If they were serious about stopping these things, they'd legalize weed altogether.  (Think about all that Black Market revenue they'd lose, though!)

If it seems like most of the Internet goings-on are dominated by Politics and #FakeNews these days, it's because this is what happens when Organized Crime takes over.  It's a miracle the Internet made it the last 25 years without all of this bullshit that totally just started around 2015, huh?

Formatting going forward may be wonky for unspecified reasons (I don't know why, yet -- probably because I clip these things together over the week), so I apologize for that, and will correct any errors I catch.  Some of our YT clips are acting wonky, and that may be due to internal clock issues with Apple, or just bad timing... I may have to go back to using my trusty .WAV files.  We're frankly shocked that we're still here, and know we could disappear any time now without warning, so enjoy while you can -- and keep an eye out for us, should we pop back up somewhere else down the line.

And now, Meg Griffin.

© Copyright 2018, The Cyberculturalist